


They Say All's Fair

by spicydanhowell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 1960s, Alternate Universe - 1960s, Alternate Universe - Vietnam, Anxiety, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Teenagers, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Depression, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, PTSD, Pen Pals, Phanfiction, Vietnam War, dan and phil history au, dan and phil in the vietnam war
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-13 22:17:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11769513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicydanhowell/pseuds/spicydanhowell
Summary: December 1962. Dan accidentally receives a letter from a soldier in Vietnam, and his heart flutters with infatuation. He wishes his romantic interest would come home soon so he could finally see him, but not all goes as planned.





	1. Sincerely, Daniel Howell

December, 1962

On the second day of December, 1962, Senator Mansfield reported to President Kennedy that US money given to Diem's government was being squandered and that the US should avoid further involvement in Vietnam. Mansfield was the first American official to voice a negative opinion pertaining to the war’s progress.

* * *

 

“Daniel! Wake up! You have to be at work in an hour!” Shit. Dan’s mother was banging on his bedroom door as he rubbed his eyes groggily.

“I’m awake, Mother, I’m awake!” he called back. He stumbled out of bed and dressed himself in khaki-colored trousers and a pastel blue collared shirt. Dan glanced in the mirror and attempted to tame his mop top, which made him look like a kid, but functioned as a sort of security blanket. His heart pounded at the thought of walking in late again; Mr. Webb would be furious. Heart already pounding, Dan scurried to the bathroom to splash water on his face, and take his medicine before cramming down some breakfast.

“Did you have your Librium?” Dan’s mother asked, handing him his coffee.

“I did, thank you.” Dan took a worried glance at his father, who was reading the paper and smoking his cigarette in front of his empty plate.

“Come eat.” He mumbled, not looking up. Dan sat down across from his father as his mother scraped eggs delicately into his plate beside the fruit and toast. His father looked up. “You’re 18 years old, Daniel. You need to get your act together. You’re barely holding onto this switchboard operator gimmick, and you’re too unwell to go into the war. You need to be making enough money to get married; or would you like your wife to have to work too? Instead of tending to the house and children?”

Dan’s dry throat struggled to swallow his toast as he shook his head.

“We’re not going to do everything for you for much longer. You were lucky to be raised by a family of lawyers…” Distracted by his paper, Dan’s father trailed off. 7:23, Dan had to leave for work immediately.

“Thank you for breakfast, Mother.” He stammered, wiping his mouth as he stood.

“You’ve hardly eaten!” his mother protested. Dan put a piece of toast in his mouth and mumbled incoherently as he checked his pockets for his wallet and keys. His mother handed him a metal lunch box and pressed him to eat all of it’s contents on his break.

He finished the triangle of toast as he hurried into his new Cadillac Coupe De Ville, lit a cigarette, and sped off to work.

* * *

 

_Dear Virginia_

_My love, I’ve been away only one month as I’m writing this, and I miss you so dearly. The Vietcong are hanging onto our belts and, in layman’s terms, we can’t use our weapons at such short range without killing our own men. I could tell you much more, but I would hate to scare you. I assure you that I am very safe and healthy._

_I miss your bright, brown eyes, and soft hair. When I return, we will have our wedding, and live a happy life together. It is so lonely out here, the heat is insufferable, and food and water is unsatisfyingly rationed. I look around at the people we are trying to protect, and see them suffering and dying and I wonder why I am here…_

_Take care of yourself, and keep your chin up. With luck, I’ll be home before the end of the coming year._

_With all of my love,_

_Philip_

* * *

 

“Do you maybe know who this is for Danny?” Dan’s mother inquired as he sat watching a family sitcom that night. She presented a letter to him which was addressed to Virginia Smith at 104 Old Barn Road, Apollo, Pennsylvania- Their street address, wrong city, wrong state.

“It says ‘Pennsylvania’, Mother. They delivered it to the wrong Old Barn Road.” He replied handing it back.

“It’s from Vietnam. Must be a soldier in the war... “ She said thoughtfully. “Be a dear and put it in a new envelope? We should mail it to the correct address.” She handed it back to Dan and returned to the kitchen to wash up. Dan gazed at the envelope in his hands before rising from his chair to flick off the TV, and amble into his bedroom. He slid his finger under the flap of the envelope and tore it open. Inside was a short letter from a soldier named Philip to his fiance.

_I miss your bright, brown eyes, and soft hair. When I return, we will have our wedding, and live a happy life together._

Dan’s heart began to race as he forgot that the letter was not addressed to him, and sank when he remembered it wasn’t. Here it was again. That feeling in his heart that could only be called infatuation, and for a man… He took a deep breath and rested his head in his hands. He had to reply to this man called Philip, but how could he admit to receiving the letter without sending it to this fiance? Philip would want to ensure she received it. With the click of a pen, Dan addressed a fresh envelope to Virginia Smith and included a short note of his own explaining that he had received the letter by accident, and wished her well. After stuffing both letters into the first envelope, he began to draft his own letter to Philip…

What do you write to someone you don’t know? Dan stared at the wall a moment before deciding to get out his typewriter.

_Hello Philip,_

He typed, hands shaking.

_My name is Daniel Howell, pardon me for addressing you by your given name, but I do not know your surname. You do not know me, but I received a letter which was addressed to your fiance, Virginia, by mistake. I sent the letter to her, but I felt compelled to reply personally. I am 18 years of age and I work as a switchboard operator for the American Bell Telephone Company. If it is not too invasive, I would love to hear about yourself, and about the war. I must admit, your letter felt strangely… familiar to me, almost as though I was supposed to see it. I’ve never believed in fate, but maybe I do now._

_Sincerely,_

_Daniel Howell_

 


	2. A Good Kind Of Confused

January 1963

The battle of Ap Bac, January 2nd, in South Vietnam was the first time that Viet Cong forces faced a major South Vietnamese attack. The Viet Cong shot down five U.S. Attack helicopters that day.

"What should have been an ARVN victory turned into an exercise of everything that was wrong with the South Vietnamese army".

* * *

Phil reread the strange letter two or three times. Ordinarily, the gesture would have come across as odd to him, but today, as he faced the horrors of war, and crippling loneliness, he appreciated it deeply. This man, Daniel, struck him as nervous, kind, and lovely company. Immediately, Phil began to draft his reply.

* * *

 “Danny? You have mail.” called a voice from behind the bedroom door. Dan looked up from his novel and called back.

“Come in, Mother.” She entered quietly with an envelope in hand. The red VIETNAM stamp caught his eye instantly. “Oh!” he cried. “He wrote back to me!”

“You wrote a letter to the man? That’s very kind of you.” his mother remarked passively, inserting the letter into his outstretched hand. “I’m making meatloaf for dinner. Come downstairs at six please.”

As soon as the door was shut, Dan quickly tore the envelope open.

_Dear Daniel,_

_Thank you for sending my letter to the correct address, and for writing to me personally. It’s quite exciting to make a friend by accident like this, and I consider myself quite lucky to correspond with you, as it is very lonely and, quite frankly, miserable out here. How have you managed to dodge the draft like this? You’re a lucky bastard._

_I’m twenty two years old and I graduated from Cornell last year. Before I was drafted I worked as a journalist in my hometown Apollo, Pennsylvania for the town newspaper. I have always believed in fate. My mother is very superstitious, and told me that people come together for a reason. Maybe that’s why my letter felt so familiar to you._

_There’s not much I can tell you about the war, but I can tell you that, with no exaggeration, it is Hell on Earth, which probably isn’t what you want to hear, but I won’t lie to you, Daniel._

_I hope to hear from you soon, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. I have enclosed a photo of myself, please send me one of you so I will have a friendly face to look at._

_May God bless you, and your loved ones._

_Philip Lester (Call me Phil)_

Dan’s heart was pounding. He was in love, but how? With a man? Never mind one he had never met. He did look quite beautiful wearing all that gear and holding a big gun, smiling wide for the camera. Dan rubbed his temples roughly. Homosexuals were sinners. Right? But that was having sex with a man; he was allowed to have a little crush right? Phil was just a pen pal, a pen pal with a fiance he loves. He glanced at the clock, 6:03, dinner time, and Dan had no appetite.

* * *

 “You need to ask Mr. Webb for a raise.” Dan dropped his fork. He knew this was coming. “A dollar ten per hour just isn’t cutting it. We’ve been supporting you handsomely for the past eighteen years, but now you need to make your own way.” Dan’s father never even glanced Dan’s way, but his mother provided a sad smile for comfort.

“I will,” was all Dan could choke out. He felt dizzy. All of the stress of the past few minutes was making it difficult for him to breathe.

“Do you need your medicine?” His mother offered, sensing his panic. Dan nodded and his mother quickly retrieved a small pill. Dan’s father gave a disgruntled expression to his newspaper. When Dan had been diagnosed with Anxiety Neurosis two years prior, his father had been deeply disappointed. His only son had weak nerves, fainted frequently, and cried. Seeing his father’s disappointment tore Dan in two.

“Thank you for dinner. I have some things I need to do." Dan said rising from his seat and pressing a kiss onto his mother’s cheek before quickly exiting.

With a deep breath Dan pulled his typewriter towards him and began to type.

_Dear Phil,_

_It must be horrible in such a lonely, dangerous place, and I send you all of my prayers. Writing to you is absolutely my pleasure. I don’t have many close friends, and I spend all of my days working for low wages. My family is quite well off, but my father pushes me aggressively in the direction of personal monetary success.  Cornell is a prestigious school, and I’m very impressed. My Town, Springwater, is actually not terribly far from the campus. I would love to write as a career, rather than working for the phone company. Your home life sounds magical._

_I’m not eligible for the draft because I have a nervous disorder. It’s really quite embarrassing, but it’s the truth. I’d like to be honest with you too, Phil._

_Your letter was mesmerizing, and you have a lovely smile. When I read your words I felt something in my heart that I’ve never felt before. I’m finding myself very confused, but it’s a good kind of confused._

_I hope you like the photo of me holding my baby cousin. It's one of my favorite pictures._

_Your friend,_

_Daniel Howell (Call me Dan)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying the fic!
> 
> find me on tumblr @spicydanhowell


	3. Your Safe Return

February 1963

U.S. army adviser Col. Daniel B. Porter reported to General Harkins that "In many operations against areas of hamlets which are considered to be hard-core VC [Viet Cong] strongholds, all possibility of surprise is lost by prolonged air strikes and artillery bombardments prior to the landing or movement of troops into the area. The innocent women, children and old people bear the brunt of such bombardments."

* * *

_Dearest Philip,_

_These checks in the mail are sadly not enough for our wedding. It would not be right of me to take up a job as a young lady, so we must persevere I suppose. Though the war is a worthy cause, I wish you were here and writing for the paper again._

_Do not be tormented by the casualties, love. It’s a necessary evil that comes with war. The United States is the greatest nation the world has ever seen, and we do whatever we must._

_Keep your strength up. We all pray for your safe return._

_Love always,_

_Virginia_

Phil looked from Dan’s letter, to Virginia’s, to Dan’s again. They were so different. Dan was sensitive, and intelligent, whereas Virginia believed whatever she heard on the news, whatever President Kennedy said. She was conventional, and her letter was lifeless whereas Dan’s was full of curiosity and honesty. Phil held his flashlight over the photo of Dan. He cradled a newborn baby girl in his arms with a smile, and look of love and wonder in his eyes. His mop top hair-do was swept to the side, and he was clad in a tie-dyed vest top. A tear welled up in Phil’s eyes at the beautiful sight.

Suddenly, the general began rousing the sleeping troops and directing the platoon to quickly move out. Scouts had informed him that the Viet Cong were setting up traps in the area, and they had to retreat fast, or stand and fight. The only issue was that it was the dead of night, and using their flashlights would give them away. Phil threw his things into his bag and began to file out. The scout reported that the safest direction to flee to would be the east, following the river, but this quickly proved to be false when, a mile away from their camp, a soldier at the front of the platoon placed his foot on an active landmine.

The explosion was blinding and deafening. Even from ten yards away Phil felt sharp pains in his arms, his leg, and the side of his head. He was hurt, maybe badly. The less injured soldiers began to scatter, seeking out any enemy soldiers in the area, but Phil swayed where he stood, and collapsed.

* * *

 March 1963

A blur of white was all Phil could see when he regained consciousness days later. A hospital? Was he home? No, he realized as his vision cleared up, he was in a tent hospital, lying on a makeshift bed, surrounded by his injured platoon members. An IV penetrated his right hand, and he couldn’t move his left. His thigh was bandaged, and he felt gauze wrapped around his head, tickling his brow. Looking at his left shoulder Phil nearly lost consciousness again as he realized his arm had been amputated.

* * *

 

It had been six weeks since Dan had mailed his letter, and still he received no reply. Had he been to forward? Had something happened to Phil? The thought made him nauseous. A knock on his bedroom door brought Dan back to the present.

 “Come in, Father.” Dan called, recognizing his father’s knock. His father held an unlit cigarette and sat down on the bed, across from where Dan sat at his desk. He lit the cigarette and offered it to Dan, who accepted, and lit one for himself.

“Son,” he grunted. “I know I pressure you, but it’s for your own good. You need to find some motivation.” He paused, and took a drag. “Have you asked for the raise?” Dan gulped. He had been trying to work up the courage all week, but he couldn’t. He felt like a coward. There was no sense in lying, his father would see right through him.

“I haven’t…” Dan admitted, looking at his hands. The ash on his cigarette had built up in his hesitation. He took a short pull and tapped it over the ashtray. His father was nodding, and had shut his eyes in thought.

“Okay,” he said finally. “It’s your life. You’re a grown man now, Daniel. I trust you to find your way and work for your happiness. If you do it for me, you’ll never find your inner motivation.” Dan’s jaw dropped at that. His father was right; Dan needed to ask for the raise for _himself_ , not for his father’s approval. The success was for his own happiness.

“Thank you father. I will talk to Mr. Webb tomorrow morning.”

* * *

 “How would you rate your pain?”

Phil thought for a moment before mumbling “Six.” He rejected the offer for more morphine, and the nurse began quickly changing his bandages. His lack of an arm was all he needed to see to know he would soon be going home. Suddenly, he remembered his letters. “Nurse?”

“Yes sir?”

“Where are my things?”

“All of your personal items are in there,” she said with a smile, pointing to the brown paper bag to his right.

“Thank you.” He replied, reaching for the bag. Inside he found a shining Purple Heart medallion on top of his photos and letters. Wow. He struggled to extract the photo of Dan, and gazed at it fondly as the nurse finished up.

“Is that a brother of yours?” she asked, breaking the silence.

“A friend.” Phil replied.

“He has a beautiful baby. I'll see you in a little while, soldier.” the nurse chirped as she turned on her heels and walked briskly down the hallway.

It’s not Dan’s baby, Phil thought to himself. But someday Dan would be married, and have children, obviously, and so would Phil. Why did this bother him? Why did his engagement to Virginia feel so wrong, and his relationship with Dan feel so right?

_What role did Dan play in Phil’s life?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will soon be a plot twist! Strap yourselves in!
> 
> find me on tumblr @spicydanhowell


	4. My Dearest

April 1963

A National Intelligence Estimate by the intelligence community of the U.S. stated: "We believe that Communist progress has been blunted...The Viet Cong can be contained militarily and further progress can be made in expanding the area of government control and in creating greater security in the countryside."

However, director of the CIA John McCone had rejected a less optimistic, earlier draft. He instructed the analysts to appeal to the views of senior U.S. military and civilian policymakers, who were far more optimistic about the war's progress. The earlier draft had read: "The struggle in South Vietnam will be protracted and costly [because] very great weaknesses remain and will be difficult to surmount." The weaknesses of the South Vietnamese government were "lack of aggressive and firm leadership at all levels of command, poor morale among the troops, lack of trust between peasant and soldier, poor tactical use of available forces, a very inadequate intelligence system, and obvious Communist penetration of the South Vietnamese military organization."

The shift in the emphasis of the report from pessimistic to optimistic has been cited by CIA studies as an example of distorting intelligence to suit the political wishes of senior government officials.

* * *

_My darling,_

_I am writing to tell you that I have been badly injured in battle. I am healthy and well but I am unable to continue serving as I have lost my left arm from infection, and crippled my right leg. I am having the most terrible nightmares as well. I wake up in cold sweats with my heart pounding several times per night. As much pain as I am in, it is not nearly as unbearable as the pain of being away from you, my dearest._

_I will be transported home as soon as my condition is stable enough for it, likely Saturday, April 13th, and I hope you will be present for my arrival. A kind nurse has written down directions from your home, to New York International Airport._

_Yours truly,_

_Philip_

_Postscript:_

_I owe all of my strength to you, and that beautiful photo of you and your cousin._

The last sentence sent chills down Dan’s spine. This letter was meant for _him?_ Naturally he had assumed the post office had made a mistake again, but there was no way. There was no way this was meant for him. Phil had a fiance, a woman, a future wife. Virginia Smith was his dearest, not Dan. He took some deep breaths to settle his nerves. What was he to do? Could he reciprocate Phil’s feelings? Of course he could. Dan couldn’t deny it any longer; he was deeply in love with Phil Lester.

* * *

 

“How do I look?”

“Handsome as ever, lovey.” replied Dan’s mother and she fiddled with the kinks in his hair. “Don’t worry a bit.”

“Thank you,” Dan replied smoothing the wrinkles in his pink polo shirt and grey trousers. His mother inhaled deeply.

“Listen, Danny. The Lord will love you no matter what. He will accept you and forgive you as long as you do well by others.”

Dan was puzzled. “I know, Mother.” What was she getting at? Did she know about his feelings for Phil?

“These are progressive times,” she continued. “We have racial integration, thousands of people standing up against the war, maybe someday the world will accept homosexuals in a similar way.”

She knew. Dan’s face flushed, and his heart raced. He was absolutely speechless.

“You know I will always love you, no matter what you chose to do in your life. I only want you to be happy. However, if you are going to move out and live with him, you should have a story to tell your father. He might not be as open to this as I am.”

Dan struggled to speak. “How- How did you know?”

“Oh hunny,” she caressed his cheek. “I’ve never seen anyone so excited to receive a letter, and look at you. You’re dressed to the nines, and so nervous.” She gave a small pout as she noticed Dan’s embarrassment. “Chin up hunny. Today is a happy day for both of you.”

“He’s engaged.” Dan blurted out suddenly. His mother’s eyes widened.

“Oh! Oh… my.” She bit her lip. “Has he called off the wedding?”

“I… Think not.”

There was a silent understanding hanging in the air. Phil might still have had every intention of marrying Virginia, and a plan to simply see Dan in secret. The thought crushed Dan; he had never felt this way before.

“I have to go now, Mother.” Dan concluded, kissing his mother’s temple quickly before she pulled him into an unexpected hug.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Mom.”

* * *

 

Phil laughed heartily with excitement as the helicopter whirred and zoomed over the Atlantic; land was far out of sight.

“Happy to go home?” the co pilot half shouted, half chuckled. Phil nodded eagerly. In the reflection of the metal walls, he could see the tear in his left ear from where he was hit by the shrapnel. He had been so lucky it missed his eye. He removed his glasses and wiggled the two fully healed pieces independently. It was almost funny, until he thought of the explosion that took his arm, changing his life forever. At least his job as a journalist would be unaffected…

* * *

 

Dan parked the light blue Cadillac and hurried into the massive building. He had been driving for six hours, almost non stop, since two in the morning, and needed to rest… and relieve himself.

He splashed water on his face as he washed his hands. Looking in the mirror he took deep breaths, psyching himself up, and took his medicine. He had no idea what hour Phil would arrive, so he brought a book with him, as though his nerves would allow him to focus on it. Drying his hands and kicking open the bathroom door, Dan’s jaw dropped as he saw an Army helicopter landing on the helipad through the window on the other side of the gatehouse. Dan bolted to the terminal. He wasn’t ready. Dear God, he wasn’t ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story's only halfway done now, maybe less, so there's much more to come!
> 
> find me on tumblr @spicydanhowell


	5. Good Things And Bad Things

April 1963, continued

“Dan!” cried the limping soldier as he spotted his love through the window. Dan nearly fainted with excitement.

“Ph-Phil!” Dan cried weakly back, running through the gates to embrace him. Phil’s body was thin and shaking, like a leaf, as Dan held him tightly. It was only when he felt warm droplets on his shoulder that Dan realized Phil was crying. He shushed him and rocked their bodies back and forth until Phil lifted his blotchy face from Dan’s shoulders.

“Y-you’re real.” Phil marveled.

“I am.” Dan whispered, tearing up as well. “Come on,” he said, wiping his nose, and eyes, “or they’ll think we’re lovers.” Phil chuckled, and held Dan’s waist with his right- his only arm, as they walked. Dan followed suit. “Where are your parents?”

“They probably weren’t expecting me so early. I’ll phone them after this.”

“After wh-”Dan was interrupted by the soldier firmly grasping his hand, pulling him into an empty corridor, and kissing him passionately, no bars held. “Oh my god,” Dan breathed as their lips parted, and pulled Phil in for another round.

“I l-love you, Daniel.” Phil stammered.

“I love you too, Phil.”

* * *

“My home, or your home?” Dan asked, gazing at his partner in the passenger seat. Phil had called his parents to tell them he was on his way home now, and he would see them soon, but where was home?

“Don’t you have work?”

“I took 5 vacation days.”

“You have money, right?” Phil asked.

“Plenty.”

“Stop at a motel. So we can… talk, y’know?” Dan knew.

“Y-yeah. Of course.” He put the car in drive. “I think I saw one a few miles down the road. Put on whatever tape you want.”

* * *

It was nine in the morning when the couple reached the motel, and booked a room for 24 hours. Dan fretted, unsure what to do with his hands as Phil threw his things into the closet, but he was relieved when the soldier threw his hardened body at him, and tackled him onto the bed. “I’ve- I've never done this before!” Dan blurted out.

“Me either,” whispered Phil alluringly, pinning Dan down and relishing in his lover’s blush. He smirked as he looked Dan up and down, and began nibbling and biting on his neck. Phil pulled Dan’s polo shirt off of his lanky torso and kissed him from his ear to his navel. He quickly unbuckled Dan's belt, and paused, looking into Dan's wide eyes. “Okay?”

“Y-yes” Dan breathed.

* * *

 Phil nabbed Dan’s Marlboros from the nightstand and lit two, extracting one from his mouth and handing it to his flushed lover. They both sat in their underwear, bodies touching delicately, breathing deeply.

“This is the best thing that has ever happened to me. _You’re_ the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Dan confessed gazing up at Phil.

“Me too.”

Dan sat up straight and looked Phil dead in the eyes. Phil looked back and forth expectantly, and tapped the ash off of his cigarette without breaking eye contact. He looked behind him, and back at Dan.

“...What?”

“Virginia.” Dan said simply.

“That’s her name.”

“Are you going to marry her?”

“No,” Phil said without hesitation before taking a long drag. When he looked back up Dan was still staring open-mouthed at him. “What? Are you trying to catch flies?”

“Did you call off the wedding?!” Dan nearly shouted.

“Not yet.” Phil said standing up and pulling his trousers on.

“Well, when were you planning on doing that?”

“After breakfast. And after I find some civilian clothes.” He pulled his dumbfounded sweetheart into a deep kiss, and placed a finger under his chin. “I’d say it’s on me, but I was in Vietnam last night, and I’m not exactly in the habit of carrying cash."

“No problem,” Dan smiled. Phil was odd, and a bit reckless, but Dan was comforted knowing that things with Virginia would soon be over, and that Phil wanted the same exclusivity that he did.

* * *

 “Feels good?”

“Feels amazing!” Phil exclaimed with a sigh of relief as he walked out of the fitting room. He wore grey, cotton A-shirt tucked into a pair of perfectly fitted Levis and a pair of black boots. “Haven’t worn anything like this since the fall. I feel like myself.”

“I’m glad. You look happier.”

“That’s because I’m with you.”

Dan giggled and shushed Phil. “Come on. Let’s go pay for the clothes. You can probably just wear them out.”

“I intend to. The only other way you’d see me leave this store is in my briefs, ‘cause I’m sure as hell not getting back into _that_.” Phil laughed, but Dan could see the pain in his stormy eyes.

“Hey,” Dan comforted. Phil removed his glasses and cleaned them with the hem of his shirt. He sniffled. “Hey,” Dan said again, patting Phil’s back, “I know it’s hard, but you’re okay now. I kind of... know what it feels like.”

“How?” Phil whispered, shaking slightly. “How could you understand?”

“Fear and sadness consume me every day of my life. I don’t know where it came from or if it will ever leave, but I fight it everyday. You can fight too. I can help you.” Dan assured. Phil burst into tears, for the second time today, at his words, drawing a shop assistant’s attention. “I’m sorry, we’re going to go. Here.” Dan stammered, shoving a ten dollar bill in the assistant’s direction as he guided Phil out of the store and into the car. Dan yanked the tags off of Phil's clothes as he sobbed into Dan’s lap. “What should I do?!” Dan fussed.

“I-I don’t kn-kn-know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for no historical facts at the beginning! I couldn't find any other April '63 facts for you!
> 
> in the next chapter they will be dealing with the Virginia situation, so stay tuned.
> 
> find me on tumblr  
> @spicydanhowell


	6. Where To Now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter which is a sort of bridge between the beginning and the middle of the story. Enjoy.

Phil rubbed his blotchy, red eyes. “Where to now?”

“You want to go home, right?” Dan inquired, cocking his head to one side. Phil tensed and fiddled with his lighter.

“Ahm, yes…” he trailed off.

“But?”

“I never said there was a ‘but’.” 

“It’s the fiance thing, right?” Dan supplied. Phil didn’t reply, and rather rubbed his forehead with the heel of his hand. “Let’s go home, Phil. You have to talk to her.”

What could Phil say? ‘Virginia, I’m sorry we can’t get married because I’m a homosexual’? What would he tell his mother? Would it be better to just vanish? 

“Dan,” Phil burst out suddenly. “We’ll go to my home and sort things out, but tonight I’m running away with you.” Dan opened his mouth to speak but Phil cut him off. “We’ll go up North, or-or- we become farmers in the Midwest, a-anything that gets us out of here. I want to be with you, away from this war, and Virginia, and family.” he took a shaky breath and lowered his voice. “I want a new start.”

Dan was quiet for a moment. 

_ 'It’s your life. You’re a grown man now, Daniel. I trust you to find your way and work for your happiness. If you do it for me, you’ll never find your inner motivation.' _

“Tonight?” Phil nodded. Dan considered the proposition, and began to formulate a plan. Luckily, he had the necessary resources. “My father has money set aside for me for my wedding, or college, or whatever I need in the future, so if we need it I can always call… This is a luxury car… It’d sell for quite a lot, and we could get a truck… Do you have money?” Phil cracked a smile.

“I have about 50 dollars in a cash box under my bed.” Dan laughed heartily. 

“Are we doing this?” he cried in excited disbelief.

“I think we are.” Phil pulled Dan into a passionate kiss. He was intoxicated with excitement and infatuation. He was free...

_ Or so he thought. _


	7. We Don't Mind Sharing

The Same Evening

* * *

The sexual revolution of the 1960s was made possible by Enovid, the world’s first birth control pill. The pill was, however, illegal in many states, and premarital sex was still frowned upon by 80% of Americans.

* * *

The house at 104 Old Barn Road, Apollo, Pennsylvania could hardly be seen in the sparse moonlight as Dan parked the blue Cadillac across the dark, suburban street. Phil reclined his seat so he was lying flat, hidden from view. His flip hairstyle had grown out a bit, and he ran his fingers through it nervously, summoning his courage.

“All you have to tell her is that you’re going away. You don’t have to answer any questions. It’s going to be okay Philly.” Dan caressed Phil’s cheek and smiled softly.

“Yeah.” he murmured in his deep, natural voice. “I guess I should do it now.” He did not move. Dan looked him up and down in silence and tapped his fingers on his steering wheel and his lap.

“Go on then. I’ll be right here waiting.” With that, Phil popped open the car door and boosted himself out of his seat. He brushed himself off, stretched his legs, and became suddenly self conscious of his amputation scar. Dan, regarding Phil’s unease, removed a handkerchief from the glove compartment and tied it around his scarred shoulder. “Handsome as ever.”

“Thank you.” Phil gulped, glancing at the house before slowly ambling through the garden, up to the front door, and knocking three times. A face appeared in the window, and the door clicked open instantaneously.

“Philip! Thank goodness it’s you!” Cried the small middle aged woman as she cupped his face in her hands.

“Mrs. Smith, I missed you.” Phil mumbled somberly. She examined his face carefully.

“You already know, don’t you?” she sighed, her face and shoulders falling.

“Know what? What’s happened, dear?” Phil replied nervously, taking Mrs. Smith’s hand. From behind the door emerged Mr. Smith, baggy eyed and wrinkled, carrying a newborn infant suckling on a bottle. Phil was perplexed; nothing was making sense. “You- you had a baby? Where is Virginia? What’s happened?”

“Come inside, dear.” Mrs. Smith replied softly. Phil looked back and forth, and beckoned for Dan to come inside. Equally perplexed, Dan hurried into the house, quickly introduced himself as Phil’s friend, and followed the group into the living room.

* * *

“Did you hear me, Philip?” Mrs. Smith asked concernedly. “Are you all right?”

“Yes, I hear you.” Phil whispered. “Virginia died from an ectopic pregnancy three weeks ago.”

“I know it’s difficult news.” Mr. Smith grumbled deeply. “Why don’t you both spend the ni-”

“We never had intercourse.” Phil blurted. “Virginia and I, we never…” The Smiths exchanged a look of shock.

“The baby isn’t yours?” Mr. Smith inquired, tears welling in his eyes. Phil bit his lip.

“Not even a chance.”

Silence hung over the room, save for the wall-mounted clock _tock tock tock_ -ing away in the kitchen. Mr. Smith breathed a heavy sigh before speaking slowly.

“We were going to ask if you wanted to be her guardian. Since you’re not the father you could-”

“Adopt her?”

“Well, yes.”

“I’d love to.”

Dan whipped his head around, mouth agape. “Phil? Are you sure about this? Are you prepared to care for a child?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I was planning to go up North with Daniel. We’re going to be disc jockeys on the radio but… I could stay home with you both, or with my Mom and Papa for a while… I think?”

“I thought we were going to be farm-”

“What’s her name?”

“She doesn’t have one yet,” Mrs. Smith replied. “We wanted to leave it up to you. Why don’t you call your parents? You’re welcome to stay here, and I don’t want you driving so late at night. Do you live far, Daniel?”

“Quite far.”

“You both can have her bedroom if you like. Obviously there’s only one bed, but we have the couches too.”

Dan coughed, and replied “We don’t mind sharing.”

* * *

Dan was awoken by the sounds of soft, forced puffs of breath, and rubbed the crust out of his eyes before turning on the light. Phil was sweating and shaking in his sleep. “Hey, hey, Phil, it’s okay. It’s okay,” he consoled, rubbing Phil’s back. Dan knew this feeling well. He reached for the glass of water, and the pill bottle from the bedside table. He shook Phil gently awake, and pressed a tablet into his hand. “It’s Librium. It’s for anxiety.”

“I- uh- I…”

“It’s okay, Philly,” Dan comforted, offering the water. Phil popped the tablet into his mouth to free up his hand, and then gulped the water. “You’ll be fine. I’ve got you.”

Dan flicked the light switch and pulled Phil into a cuddle, holding him tight until they drifted into a peaceful sleep.


End file.
